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Posts Tagged ‘bad English allert’

I’ve been smoking for 12 years, and drinking for 9 years. I’ve never considered myself addicted to those two, but recently I noticed that my drinking and smoking habits were increasing. I have many episodes of panic attacks and anxiety crisis, and because I’ve been short in money, I never got around to pay for a proper treatment. The result is as clear as clean water: cigarettes and beer quickly became crutch.

In the past two years I drank more and more, smoked more and more. One week ago, on a Friday night, my friend told me I drank so much I was holding hands with everyone at the table and saying things as if I had been possessed. I have no records of this in my memory, which scares me a lot. So I decided quit drinking.

I’ve been clean for one week and two days now, and I’ve been to bars these days just to order soda. I’m still smoking, unfortunately, but I’m trying to stop too. It’s been two days without cigarettes, but it’s hard. I hope I make it through the week without it.

I’m posting this because I want to save the date somewhere. Don’t worry, I won’t be here every day telling you all about the problems of abstinence. I’m sure there’s plenty of people out there already doing the same and I don’t think what I’m going through is any different. I just want to be able to become healthier, because my panic attacks always make me think I’m about to die. I don’t want to die with the idea that I could have done something to avoid it.

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Do you prefer writing with black or blue pen?
Blue. (more…)

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1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?
No. (more…)

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Funny. I tried to write something last night but I was so tired I fell asleep on my keyboard. Having a full time job doesn’t leave much room to do anything else other than sleeping, at least not for me. (more…)

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I really need to get this out of my head. (more…)

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sometimes I wonder if I’m asking for something that is just too much. sometimes I just think I can afford being someone who’s always longing for more. when we don’t get what we want over and over, we tend to become bitter. sorry, let me correct that: when I don’t get what I want, I become bitter. (more…)

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It is always scary to see yourself so exposed and so fragile in front of others. It is even worse when you start to question your own ability to hide your feelings and fears, an ability that I’ve always prided myself to have. I could never be so wrong in my entire life.  (more…)

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Soon this post wiil be translated into English. I just had to write it in my mother tongue first so I could make sure everything was on the right place, and that I could freely express my feelings. If you do read the things I write, just wait a little more. The translation will come in another post. Just to let you know, this post is about eye-fucking. 

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It’s so funny to watch me become incredibly interested in a guy and fail miserably at flirting. To be honest, I don’t even think I can flirt, it’s more like stuttered words full of hope.  And it’s always the same thing: in one moment I’m so sure I’ll never fall for anyone ever again because that’s just how it is for me; and then, days/months/years later, here I am, doing the exact opposite.

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You again. This time holding hands with another man. It was funny, to see myself trying to avoid your eyes. I’m sure you recognized me by the friendly look on your face, or at least that’s what I thought during the fraction of seconds that my gaze rested on your face, only to quickly avoid it. I don’t know if you noticed that I didn’t want to talk to you. I told you that by looking away. I think I might have looked at you right after that, only to look away again after seeing you smiling. Those 10 seconds (or less) lasted a lifetime.

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