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Posts Tagged ‘depression’

Hi, D.

Today I decided to delete your contact number from my contacts’ list. It wasn’t easy, though, because when I touched the screen and opened the conversation window, you were online and had just updated your profile pic. I didn’t know what that meant, you know? I thought it was some kind of advice, as if I was about to do something wrong. It wasn’t just because it was you. It’s because I’m tired of holding myself back because I still have these distorted feelings towards you (and towards a bunch of other guys I’ve met in the past).

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Sometimes what makes me frustrated is the fact that I’ve been growing tired of doing things without feeling anything good. Finishing important tasks, elaborating class plans, preparing seminars and papers for college, none of these things seem to be enough to make feel better.

Me, on a July 6, 2016 draft for this blog.

I wonder what would I think of me back then if only I knew how much trouble was yet to come. It’s almost funny the silliness with which I face some of my old complaints about life and the way things were going. Of course I didn’t know I was living the best days of my life, we never get that idea when we are going through hard times. But I was, and as much as I’d love to say that I’m over it, I’m afraid I’m still standing still, completely lost in longing for times that will never return.

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Foi difícil chegar até aqui. Falo da perspectiva de uma pessoa que recentemente descobriu uma doença incurável, adquirida por conta de comportamentos inconsequentes e imaturos diante de uma situação já conhecida: a rejeição. Ainda não sei como estou lidando com isso, honestamente. Só sei que me assusto todos os dias.

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hoje é o segundo dia que passo sem falar com você.

tem sido difícil, mas ouso dizer que hoje foi mais difícil ainda, uma vez que não tenho sequer conseguido administrar meus afazeres. fiz faxina na casa, almocei, cochilei por 20 minutos e você estava na minha cabeça em todos esses momentos.

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1. Has your greatest fear ever come true?
No. And I’m alive because of it.

2. What’s a song that has special meaning for you?
I can’t think of a song like that right now. Music is kinda of my drug, so I’m always listening to many significant songs. The last meaningful one I can recall, because it is very recent, is “Vienna”, by Billy Joel. I sent it to a guy I’m currently seeing because he’s always too worried about not having enough time to get things done, and usually I pay the price for that (he doesn’t go out with me often).

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I’ve been smoking for 12 years, and drinking for 9 years. I’ve never considered myself addicted to those two, but recently I noticed that my drinking and smoking habits were increasing. I have many episodes of panic attacks and anxiety crisis, and because I’ve been short in money, I never got around to pay for a proper treatment. The result is as clear as clean water: cigarettes and beer quickly became crutch.

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1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?
No.

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Funny. I tried to write something last night but I was so tired I fell asleep on my keyboard. Having a full time job doesn’t leave much room to do anything else other than sleeping, at least not for me.

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I really need to get this out of my head. (more…)

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yes. it definitely is exciting to observe every move you do. (more…)

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