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Posts Tagged ‘you better don’t read this’

Funny. I tried to write something last night but I was so tired I fell asleep on my keyboard. Having a full time job doesn’t leave much room to do anything else other than sleeping, at least not for me. (more…)

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I really need to get this out of my head. (more…)

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It is always scary to see yourself so exposed and so fragile in front of others. It is even worse when you start to question your own ability to hide your feelings and fears, an ability that I’ve always prided myself to have. I could never be so wrong in my entire life.  (more…)

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It’s so funny to watch me become incredibly interested in a guy and fail miserably at flirting. To be honest, I don’t even think I can flirt, it’s more like stuttered words full of hope.  And it’s always the same thing: in one moment I’m so sure I’ll never fall for anyone ever again because that’s just how it is for me; and then, days/months/years later, here I am, doing the exact opposite.

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You again. This time holding hands with another man. It was funny, to see myself trying to avoid your eyes. I’m sure you recognized me by the friendly look on your face, or at least that’s what I thought during the fraction of seconds that my gaze rested on your face, only to quickly avoid it. I don’t know if you noticed that I didn’t want to talk to you. I told you that by looking away. I think I might have looked at you right after that, only to look away again after seeing you smiling. Those 10 seconds (or less) lasted a lifetime.

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It bugs me the fact I’ve been spotting you around town so many times lately. And today I think you spotted me too, because when I glanced in your direction I saw that you had seen me, even though your choice was to walk away.

Honestly I don’t think I’ve ever been in love with you. I don’t think I know love. It was  more like fixation, fascination, since high school. Your enigmatic figure always got me wondering about what was going on in this head of yours. It was also funny the fact that, whenever I thought about it, I would spot you soon. That’s the relationship we developed, err, I developed.

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1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you?

Yes.

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Have you ever felt so lonely that all you want to do is just go out and scream out loud so everyone will look at you and then you’d want to go back to your room and stay alone there? I like being alone but I don’t like being lonely. It’s different to be alone because you want to and because you have no choice. I do enjoy having my privacy, but sometimes everything is just too much and too little and my mind refuses to make sense of it all.

Kinda controversial, but I don’t really have a name for what I’m feeling right now. Like, I think I really want to go out but I don’t know where to go and the thought of going out all alone is not appealing. I also want to drink a lot (alcohol involved, please), and maybe I think that’s the reason I want to go out in the first place. Am I alcoholic? I don’t think so, but then, I’m not sure what or who I am right now. I only see mess and it’s easy to lose myself on it.

Whenever I feel like this I quickly try to make sense of things around me, just to make sure everything is still real and I’m not going mad for good. Moments like these scare the hell out of me just because I always think that this is when I’m gonna get crazy and lose my senses, lose my identity, forget who I am. I might be more afraid of losing my mind than losing my life.

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I didn’t know what was going on. All I knew is that I had this beautiful boy sitting in front of me, looking at my face with expectant eyes, and I was meant to teach him something, but now I can’t remember. He looked like the guy from that Percy Jackson movie, and the Charlie from “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” if you need to get a picture (I’m not really good at making descriptions), but younger, which made me feel sad and dirty inside. Was I attracted to a little teenager? That couldn’t be right.

While we were sitting, I was feeling extremely anxious and sweating in anticipation. Did I know what was going to happen next? Did I know what I was supposed to do there? Did I know that boy? All these questions were floating around me when he tangled his legs with mine, and suddenly we were close enough to feel each others’ breath and heartbeat. (more…)

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Following the same idea of publishing drafts, here I published another one. This time I decided to tag these posts with the world “draftseries”, so I can find them easily since the best place for me to talk about my feelings is still the internet.

And this is what I found here:

I was thinking about a party. Y’know, I’ve never had a birthday party. To be honest, I couldn’t care less about it.

That came out probably one or two weeks before my birthday, and I was really planning to go out with some friends since I’ve never had a birthday party like that. The only one I had was when I was 5, in which my  mother invited her friends (who brought their twin sons) and we had a great time together eating popcorn and drinking soda. It was nice. This birthday party I was planning, though, it didn’t work out.

Anyway, I’m not bitter about it. I’d like to think that I wasn’t in the mood, and throw a party in which only the guests will have fun can’t be right. My birthday was like the others: some people text me nice stuff to read, two or three friends actually called me and most people I work or study with either forgot or didn’t know about it, and that’s cool. I’m sure their wishes were sincere and meant something. Just a meaningless “happy birthday” on a Facebook message doesn’t mean much, right? Did I get sad because I didn’t receive any calls or messages from people I was hoping to remember it? Of course! But that’s life, and you can’t have everything you want.

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