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Posts Tagged ‘you better don’t read this’

hoje é o segundo dia que passo sem falar com você.

tem sido difícil, mas ouso dizer que hoje foi mais difícil ainda, uma vez que não tenho sequer conseguido administrar meus afazeres. fiz faxina na casa, almocei, cochilei por 20 minutos e você estava na minha cabeça em todos esses momentos.

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1. Has your greatest fear ever come true?
No. And I’m alive because of it.

2. What’s a song that has special meaning for you?
I can’t think of a song like that right now. Music is kinda of my drug, so I’m always listening to many significant songs. The last meaningful one I can recall, because it is very recent, is “Vienna”, by Billy Joel. I sent it to a guy I’m currently seeing because he’s always too worried about not having enough time to get things done, and usually I pay the price for that (he doesn’t go out with me often).

3. Do your practice ‘self love’ or ‘self loathing’?
Self-loathing.
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Funny. I tried to write something last night but I was so tired I fell asleep on my keyboard. Having a full time job doesn’t leave much room to do anything else other than sleeping, at least not for me. (more…)

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I really need to get this out of my head. (more…)

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It is always scary to see yourself so exposed and so fragile in front of others. It is even worse when you start to question your own ability to hide your feelings and fears, an ability that I’ve always prided myself to have. I could never be so wrong in my entire life.  (more…)

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It’s so funny to watch me become incredibly interested in a guy and fail miserably at flirting. To be honest, I don’t even think I can flirt, it’s more like stuttered words full of hope.  And it’s always the same thing: in one moment I’m so sure I’ll never fall for anyone ever again because that’s just how it is for me; and then, days/months/years later, here I am, doing the exact opposite.

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You again. This time holding hands with another man. It was funny, to see myself trying to avoid your eyes. I’m sure you recognized me by the friendly look on your face, or at least that’s what I thought during the fraction of seconds that my gaze rested on your face, only to quickly avoid it. I don’t know if you noticed that I didn’t want to talk to you. I told you that by looking away. I think I might have looked at you right after that, only to look away again after seeing you smiling. Those 10 seconds (or less) lasted a lifetime.

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It bugs me the fact I’ve been spotting you around town so many times lately. And today I think you spotted me too, because when I glanced in your direction I saw that you had seen me, even though your choice was to walk away.

Honestly I don’t think I’ve ever been in love with you. I don’t think I know love. It was  more like fixation, fascination, since high school. Your enigmatic figure always got me wondering about what was going on in this head of yours. It was also funny the fact that, whenever I thought about it, I would spot you soon. That’s the relationship we developed, err, I developed.

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1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you?

Yes.

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Have you ever felt so lonely that all you want to do is just go out and scream out loud so everyone will look at you and then you’d want to go back to your room and stay alone there? I like being alone but I don’t like being lonely. It’s different to be alone because you want to and because you have no choice. I do enjoy having my privacy, but sometimes everything is just too much and too little and my mind refuses to make sense of it all.

Kinda controversial, but I don’t really have a name for what I’m feeling right now. Like, I think I really want to go out but I don’t know where to go and the thought of going out all alone is not appealing. I also want to drink a lot (alcohol involved, please), and maybe I think that’s the reason I want to go out in the first place. Am I alcoholic? I don’t think so, but then, I’m not sure what or who I am right now. I only see mess and it’s easy to lose myself on it.

Whenever I feel like this I quickly try to make sense of things around me, just to make sure everything is still real and I’m not going mad for good. Moments like these scare the hell out of me just because I always think that this is when I’m gonna get crazy and lose my senses, lose my identity, forget who I am. I might be more afraid of losing my mind than losing my life.

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