Hi, D.

Today I decided to delete your contact number from my contacts’ list. It wasn’t easy, though, because when I touched the screen and opened the conversation window, you were online and had just updated your profile pic. I didn’t know what that meant, you know? I thought it was some kind of advice, as if I was about to do something wrong. It wasn’t just because it was you. It’s because I’m tired of holding myself back because I still have these distorted feelings towards you (and towards a bunch of other guys I’ve met in the past).

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I dreamed about you last night. It was different, because it’s been so many years… 10 years, precisely. I still don’t understand why sometimes our minds wander to distant places like that for no apparent reason. I believe such dreams are related to our deepest desires, those we still fight against or that we like to believe are useless.

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Omnia sol temperat, purus et subtilis.
Novo mundo reserat faciem Aprilis.
Ad amorem properat animus herilis
Et iocundis imperat deus puerilis.

– Michael Cretu

Sometimes what makes me frustrated is the fact that I’ve been growing tired of doing things without feeling anything good. Finishing important tasks, elaborating class plans, preparing seminars and papers for college, none of these things seem to be enough to make feel better.

Me, on a July 6, 2016 draft for this blog.

I wonder what would I think of me back then if only I knew how much trouble was yet to come. It’s almost funny the silliness with which I face some of my old complaints about life and the way things were going. Of course I didn’t know I was living the best days of my life, we never get that idea when we are going through hard times. But I was, and as much as I’d love to say that I’m over it, I’m afraid I’m still standing still, completely lost in longing for times that will never return.

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GODS: Life

Zeus: What’s your name or nickname?

Hera: Where are you from?

Athena: How old are you?

Hephaestus: When is your birthday?
September 22. Continue Reading »

nany people

Without edition in English – but luckily someone will offer to translate it for free -, “Ser mulher não é para qualquer um” (Being a woman is not for everyone, freely translated), is the biography of the trans woman Nany People, written by Flavio Queiroz.

Nany, actress, TV host and comedian, has a career just as versatile as she is. Her first words in this book bring a lesson from her mother, who she loved so dearly and who, against all the odds, always defended and supported Nany in all her life, are: “People do to us what we allow them to – until we let them do!”. Nany says that once, during a family dinner, when she was only six years old (and back then she was still a girl trapped in a boy’s body), she didn’t want to eat what was on her plate and said, “in a very feminine way”, that she wanted the other beef, because it was smaller. With that her father punched her in the mouth, throwing her off the table, and demanded that she talked like a man.

It is impossible not to feel amused and moved by how simply (yet beautifully) Nany describes her life, from the moment she realized she was a woman, until the present moment. Every single page of the book brings details: the fact that she was the youngest of a family of strong women, from whom she learned how to be strong and fight for every single moment in her life. “Who doesn’t live to serve, doesn’t serve to live”, her mother used to say. And that personality shines through Nany’s persona.

One of the most beautiful things written in this book I fully reproduce below, using the best of my translation knowledge to keep its fidelity to the original:

Only on her deathbed did Mother confess that she was called in the David Camper (school where Nany had studied). They asked if she was aware that I had a “problem”. She replied, “It’s not a problem, it’s his condition, and it’s up to me, as a mother, to make him the happiest person in the world.” She even explained that we came from a small town, where everyone knew our family and was more tolerant.

I truly recommend you to read this piece. It’s a small book, you can read it in one day or two. Not only you’ll learn a lot about what’s like to be a trans woman in Brazil, but also feel emotional about it. I do have my concerns with the way Nany People handles things, but it’s her book, so she did what she wanted and I’ll be forever grateful for having the opportunity to get to know her a little.

Nany People: ser mulher não é para qualquer um – Minhas Verdades
Written by Flavio Queiroz
Link to Amazon

Foi difícil chegar até aqui. Falo da perspectiva de uma pessoa que recentemente descobriu uma doença incurável, adquirida por conta de comportamentos inconsequentes e imaturos diante de uma situação já conhecida: a rejeição. Ainda não sei como estou lidando com isso, honestamente. Só sei que me assusto todos os dias.

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segundo dia

hoje é o segundo dia que passo sem falar com você.

tem sido difícil, mas ouso dizer que hoje foi mais difícil ainda, uma vez que não tenho sequer conseguido administrar meus afazeres. fiz faxina na casa, almocei, cochilei por 20 minutos e você estava na minha cabeça em todos esses momentos.

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Com a mesma velocidade que você apareceu, você foi embora.

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1. Has your greatest fear ever come true?
No. And I’m alive because of it.

2. What’s a song that has special meaning for you?
I can’t think of a song like that right now. Music is kinda of my drug, so I’m always listening to many significant songs. The last meaningful one I can recall, because it is very recent, is “Vienna”, by Billy Joel. I sent it to a guy I’m currently seeing because he’s always too worried about not having enough time to get things done, and usually I pay the price for that (he doesn’t go out with me often).

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