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I’ve been smoking for 12 years, and drinking for 9 years. I’ve never considered myself addicted to those two, but recently I noticed that my drinking and smoking habits were increasing. I have many episodes of panic attacks and anxiety crisis, and because I’ve been short in money, I never got around to pay for a proper treatment. The result is as clear as clean water: cigarettes and beer quickly became crutch.

In the past two years I drank more and more, smoked more and more. One week ago, on a Friday night, my friend told me I drank so much I was holding hands with everyone at the table and saying things as if I had been possessed. I have no records of this in my memory, which scares me a lot. So I decided quit drinking.

I’ve been clean for one week and two days now, and I’ve been to bars these days just to order soda. I’m still smoking, unfortunately, but I’m trying to stop too. It’s been two days without cigarettes, but it’s hard. I hope I make it through the week without it.

I’m posting this because I want to save the date somewhere. Don’t worry, I won’t be here every day telling you all about the problems of abstinence. I’m sure there’s plenty of people out there already doing the same and I don’t think what I’m going through is any different. I just want to be able to become healthier, because my panic attacks always make me think I’m about to die. I don’t want to die with the idea that I could have done something to avoid it.

Do you prefer writing with black or blue pen?
Blue. Continue Reading »

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?
No. Continue Reading »

Funny. I tried to write something last night but I was so tired I fell asleep on my keyboard. Having a full time job doesn’t leave much room to do anything else other than sleeping, at least not for me. Continue Reading »

eye contact

I really need to get this out of my head. Continue Reading »

exciting

yes. it definitely is exciting to observe every move you do. Continue Reading »

sometimes I wonder if I’m asking for something that is just too much. sometimes I just think I can afford being someone who’s always longing for more. when we don’t get what we want over and over, we tend to become bitter. sorry, let me correct that: when I don’t get what I want, I become bitter. Continue Reading »

intervention

It is always scary to see yourself so exposed and so fragile in front of others. It is even worse when you start to question your own ability to hide your feelings and fears, an ability that I’ve always prided myself to have. I could never be so wrong in my entire life.  Continue Reading »

Soon this post wiil be translated into English. I just had to write it in my mother tongue first so I could make sure everything was on the right place, and that I could freely express my feelings. If you do read the things I write, just wait a little more. The translation will come in another post. Just to let you know, this post is about eye-fucking. 

Continue Reading »

after a couple of beers and lots of cigarettes tonight, I’m feeling quite dizzy. Even after have taken a bath and eaten something, I still feel a little odd. But to talk about this I need to go a little back in time, most specifically to the moment in which I still was inside the bus, sweating like crazy and listening to Lana Del Rey’s songs.

Continue Reading »